I Don’t Exist

“I can do so little for myself. Each morning I’m bathed, dressed and set in my wheelchair. My seatbelt is buckled snugly to prevent me from falling out on the floor. My lap tray is set in place and my splints are strapped on my wrists. Then I’m fed like a baby.
“I cry a lot. Then they have to dry my eyes and wipe my nose.
“I am so unhappy. I don’t know the person who is living in this body. I often wonder, ‘Who am I?’ ‘What can I do?’ ‘Why am I alive?’ ‘Is this a life worth living?’
“I feel like such a burden to Earl. He takes me everywhere he can because he can’t leave me alone at home for very long. How must he feel? Does he ever wish he had taken up that doctor’s offer to let me die?
“I’m lost, confused, and disoriented. A conversation is too much. ‘What am I talking about?’ ‘Did I just repeat myself?’
“Clarity is gone. Confusion is depressing. I close my eyes and shut out the world.
“I have no future, no hope, and no faith. I have nothing to look forward to so I go to bed thinking about not waking up tomorrow.
“How sweet that would be.”
These thoughts filled my mind for years after my injury. People who loved me encouraged me. They gave me opportunities to get involved in the church. I failed often and realized I had much to learn.
I couldn’t live my life on my own terms as a quadriplegic. I had to let God in and ask His forgiveness for my part in the wreck. I needed His strong arms to hold me on difficult days. And carry me on my worst days.
I needed my family no matter how much I wanted to be alone. I had no choice in what had to happen to live each day. My disability brought challenges to everyone who knew me.
God healed my broken heart and renewed my spirit (Psalm 51:10 NIV). He gave me a will to live and a new and abundant life as a witness to His love and grace.
Are you tired of trying to get better or do better and failing to do it on your own? There are no requirements—just talk to the One who is the Healer of all infirmities.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV).
Father, I pray for the person reading this devotion. I ask your open arms be filled with this person and he/she will be filled with Your peace, love, and healing. In Jesus Name, Amen
In Christ,
Berta
You can contact me at berta.dickerson@gmail.com

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6 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Great post Berta on a day when I need it.

  2. God's timing.

  3. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing this.

  4. You're welcome.

  5. Anonymous

    This was an amazing post tears in my eyes the whole time. I have slipped away from God so far I never imagined. he or anyone would ever want to love me again or give me hope again
    Thank you. Your words have made me smile for hope in my life.

  6. Anonymous, You can never get so far away from God that He would stop loving you. Turn to Him and He'll welcome you home.

    In Christ,
    Berta

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